What Malaysia can say to the world’s media

Not my place to tell the Malaysian authorities what to say but may I suggest first, that Hishamuddin shave….didn’t his handlers tell him that moustachioed men don’t look good on TV? Look shifty…People want to see lips move…and then try saying this:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the media,

I wish you would stop chasing your own tail in your pursuit of the missing plane. (No, that’s not a plane tail spotted! It was just a bunch of logs…now shut up and sit down!)

Try and curb your natural instincts to sniff out a story from “sources’’. I know you want a good story, so you carpet bomb all your contacts (No! I am not talking about a terrorist attack!)… Believe me, your sources know little, if anything at all. What are these “sources’’ anyway? Tomato  ketchup? Bumbu sauce. (I said bumbu, not bomoh. I don’t condone bomohs.)

All information should come from the Malaysian Government. And if Boeing, Rolls Royce or un-named American investigators or the Chinese Government have any information at all, could you please tell me first?

What’s the point of talking to the media if you only have to backtrack later when I ask you about what you said. You’re just wasting my time. My energy. I am busy enough already la.  

As for the Chinese government, I’d really appreciate if you’d let me know of radar blips ecetera EARLY. Therefore, I ask again, what else do you know? Oh, and can you do something about whoever leaked those wrong satellite images? I’m sure you have the Malaysian equivalent of our now defunct Internal Security Act…So please stop calling the kettle black, you pot (Aside to translator…Please say that in Mandarin).

Look, I know we’re getting all confused here. I am confused although I’m trying to confident, but this is really not the time to come up with theories on what could have happened. Let’s find the airplane first, shall we? I also can’t quite believe it’s gone missing. I thought the Bermuda triangle was on the other side of the world.

Yes, I know some of the contradictions are coming from within Malaysia. Somehow those people in the military, police and different ministries can’t seem to shut up and let me do the talking. They jump the gun (no, no, I am not saying the plane was hijacked!). But rest assured that from now, we are taking a whole-of-Government approach with a co-ordinated communications strategy so that the whole-of-Malaysia speaks with one voice. 1Malaysia. Yes, that includes social media. No more memes and bomoh jokes ok?

I admit that we are inexperienced in these matters. We’ve never had a plane crash and those which have had this misfortune didn’t have to deal with the incessant chatter of the Internet and the media fighting to be first, even with falsehood. My heart pain.

As for the families of passengers, I want you to know that Malaysians are not liars, not even our lawyers. So please stop throwing water bottles at the airline staff. We have 10 countries involved in search and rescue efforts over a wide area. Now that is a lot of co-ordination work. In fact, as Defence Minister, I hope these people leave the area when the search is over….(no, no, I really want to thank the countries for helping us out… Really. Just don’t over-stay in the South China Sea okay?)   

So please don’t make my life and the lives of the families more difficult by coming up with conspiracy theories, like we shot down our plane. Why in heaven’s name would we do that to one of our own? Malaysia will go to the International Court of Justice to clear our name if you keep repeating that.

Do we have new information? No, there is no new information. At least not information that I know of or information that have been verified.

Please report that.

By the way, if any of you know anything, come tell me first. It could be something. It could be nothing. But better I know everything, than know nothing.