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Bertha HarianBertha Harian

News Reports

Selling travel to ISIS

All this news about ISIS is scary. Did you know that travel agents were trying to get people to Syria and Iraq? What? You didn’t? Okay, this is why they failed even though they had booths at the Natas travel fair.

Booth 1: Return ticket guaranteed!

Come and enjoy the sights and sounds of the Islamic State! Explosives guaranteed to deafen you. Not using acid yet but there is potential for blindness! And of course, we guarantee you a ticket home! Either in one piece or several pieces…Your choice! Souvenir box included. Oh, and please patronise the life insurance agent next door!

Booth 2: Learn new skills!

We soooo agree that Singaporeans need to upskill and re-train! So take the next plane and learn how to wield explosives and even a big knife! Here is a free demo on beheading processes! Wait! Wait! We didn’t smuggle that sword through! Hey! We declared it at Customs! It’s not a weapon! It’s a demonstration prop!  Hey, come back with my swooooord!!!! Bloody customs!

Booth 3: Discount for those with accents

Yup! We will give a 10 per cent discount of airfare if you can speak English with a British, American or Australian accent. We will, however, require you to agree to be recorded and video-ed (hood will be thrown in). You want to try Sir? Eh, that’s not an American accent. Not even English you talking….Eh, what leh? Singlish cannot. Cannot. Cannot! Bloody Singaporeans… anything for a cheap flight…

Booth 4: Do community service abroad!

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Tired of visiting old folks homes? Taking care of abandoned pets? Go further! Go abroad and teach English to the children of fighters! No need for qualifying test, so long as you had pre-school education by PCF or NTUC. Montessorians also welcomed. The children need a basic foundation in English to communicate with the rest of the world. Teach words like slaughter, kill, behead, slay, assassinate and….eh, where’s my thesaurus?

Booth 5: A family vacation in sunny Syria

We are a family-friendly place and welcome whole families, including your wife and sister who will find our handsome men irrrrrisistable and virrrrrile. (Psst…It’s a quick way to get rid of that nag at home) Your children will be inducted into boy scout/girl guide camps and leave with badges and a certificate in guerrilla warfare which they can show off to their schoolmates! Oh wait. I see the women from Aware…Quick! Pack up!

Booth 6:  Club Med extra-ordinaire

Our Guest Relations Officers will provide a variety of entertainment and make sure you are comfortable in our bunkers. You must try our special cocktails of the Molotov kind. Guaranteed to make your insides burn so that you will thirst for more! Try your hand at building sand castles and air raid shelters in the wonderful desert sand. Or go partake of the ruins of ancient Mesopotamia. All destroyed JUST FOR YOU!

Booth 7:  Come and be terrified!

Why go to Disneyland or even Sentosa’s Universal Studios to experience terror? Roller coasters are archaic! And House of Horrors? Pah! Come and be terrified as you have never been terrified before. Dodge explosives and machine gun fire! Escape burning buildings…! Good practice for your next IPPT! Endorsed by the SAF! Eh, what’s this? Military police? Aw come on! Just promoting a career as an armed force…Hey! Where are you taking me?

Booth 8:  Be a terrorist-tourist!

Why be a tourist when you can be a terrorist and be on the watchlist of every law enforcement agency in the world? Get your mugshot on every spy screen and be a household name! Then return home to great acclaim after your tour and enjoy the confines of a cell. One good experience deserves another! Two vacations for one price! Helloooo… You are ISIS agents?  No? ISD? What is that? Never heard of it….why are you giving me a bracelet?

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Booth 9: DIY travel

No gimmicks here. Just good advice on how to get to ISIS. Talk to our consultants one-on-on on which websites to go to, how to evade law enforcement and crowd source for funding and travel insurance. Do so quickly before the United Nations Security Council passes a resolution making it more difficult and the different countries get their domestic laws in place. Remember the window of opportunity is getting smaller. The door is about to close. We will be running out of runway. We willllllllll…..aaahhhhhh…eeeyaaa….

Sheeesh. Singaporeans can’t recognise satire.

Written By

An ex-journalist who can't get enough of the news after being in the business for 26 years

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