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Bertha HarianBertha Harian

News Reports

Arrggh, there’s a foreigner in my soup!

When the fear of foreign influence runs too deep:

Member: Hey, there’s this angmoh who wants to join our committee. Says he is all for our cause.

Chairman: Say no, unless he’s a Singaporean or PR.

Member: For goodness sake, we’re the gardening committee! I don’t think he can subvert plants.

Chairman: He might be a plant from some rabid foreign greenie group out to colour both our environment and political culture.


Son: Dad, I am thinking of apply to this foreign university to study philosophy and politics

Father: No, you should stay at home and study at a university here.

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Son: But it will be good experience and I will get to meet different kinds of students and obtain a different perspective on the world!

Father: That’s what I’m afraid of.


Member: We just got US$75,000 in an envelope shoved into our letterbox. Anonymous.

Chairman: I think we should report to the police.

Member: I thought we report to the police when we lose money, not when we receive money.

Chairman: The money is “suspicious’’ especially if they are in US$ notes.

Member: Then I go to money changer and change to Singapore dollars?

Chairman: Yes, and get 10 of your relatives to say it’s from them.

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Donor: I want to give you this $10,000 cheque because I support your cause.

Staffer: May I have your name and IC number so that we know you are Singaporean?

Donor: Ok. But I don’t see why you need all that.

Staffer: Your occupation please?

Donor: I am a businessman.

Staffer: What business?

Donor: Import/export. I do business all over the world. Why do you want to know?

Staffer: So this cheque is really from your bank account? Not from one of your foreign contacts?

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Donor: It’s my money! Why so many questions?

Staffer: We just have to exercise due diligence to ensure that there is no foreign influence.

Donor: But this money is for safeguarding the welfare of cats!

Staffer: It doesn’t matter. This is Singapore. We do not want foreign interference over our cat policy.

Donor: Give me back my cheque.


Colleague: My relatives from China came for a visit and were going on and on about how China is so great and Singapore is so lousy compared to it.

Colleague1: They are trying to influence your thinking about China and make you feel small. What did you say to them?

Colleague: I told them Singapore is better and they should go back to China.

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Colleague1: That sounds xenophobic and every inhospital.

Colleague: I didn’t want my relatives to influence my children’s thinking about Singapore and migrate to China.


Do-gooder : I’m thinking of going to Myanmar on a humanitarian programme to help the displace Rohingya people.

Sceptic : Why? Nothings happening to them over there, according to their government

Do-gooder: You believe everything their government says?

Sceptice: You believe everything the media says?

Do-gooder: Well, I am going over to find out because I am a global citizen.

Sceptic: You are also interfering in the politics of another country…

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Do-gooder: I guess I should stick around then and see if I can help the poor and disadvantaged in Singapore.

Sceptic: There are such people in Singapore?

PS. I am joking ok! Joking!

Written By

An ex-journalist who can't get enough of the news after being in the business for 26 years

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